I guess everyone goes through phases, but I’m stuck in this funk that I despise. I have no motivation to do anything. I have all these things that I want to do, that I plan to do, that I end up avoiding doing… It’s getting ridiculous. My family is suffering, my house is suffering, my blog is suffering, and I see it…that’s the worst part. I know I’m in a rut and I haven’t been able to drag myself out of it.
I’ve been sad alot…about nothing in particular. I LOVE my life. I have amazing family and friends. I enjoy what I do. There’s nothing major about my life that I would change if I could. But a sadness has engulfed me. I seem to constantly be on the verge of tears. I find myself zoning out and feeling heartbroken about how fast my kids are growing up, how there are so many people that don’t appreciate the simple things, how some people are so selfless and sacrifice so much and get little or no recognition, how my life seems to be flying by. All these deaths in the media are not helping.
I don’t deal well with death, and being able to see people grieve in real time via Twitter and Facebook is hard to cope with. The one that hit me the hardest is the death of Billy Mays. I follow his son on Twitter, and watching the whole thing unfold is surreal. Celebrities always seem sort of disconnected from the rest of the world, but seeing grief in many different forms from a variety of people is hard, and it makes them more real and not just an image. All this has pushed me deeper into my rut.
Well, I am putting an end to this crap right now. I have this bond with my husband that I feel is extraordinary. Late last week I was in the midst of my funk feeling helpless and distraught, I received a text that brought a different kind of tears to my eyes. My wonderful husband sent this text:
‘Just wanted you to know I love you… GOD says you are weak but He is strong… Let Him be your Father… Love ya’
That was exactly what I needed. God works in ways we don’t understand, but I understood this. My husband somehow knew that I needed him at that moment, and since he couldn’t physically be there for me, he sent me that simple yet powerful message. I am flesh and blood, weak, fragile. God is my rock. He is my FATHER…my saviour. I have made the decision to use His strength to pull myself out of the rut. I am done. Today I say no more to tears and feelings of helplessness. God is on my side. He is in my heart. He is my strength. He not only loves me, he is love. He IS love. That is so huge! I will praise Him today by joyfully cleaning my house, by laughing and singing and playing with my son, by cooking a good dinner for my family, by being the person he intended me to be…loving and happy and smiling and genuine.